Not at all Rhinocerus Page 4

deep,

  As all night long her back was kneaded,

  Through that mattress, slyly seeded.

  As I lay sleepless in my bed,

  That story ran around my head.

  Oh, what a torture it can be,

  For no one sleeps kneading a pea.

  ( April 2010 )

  Northern Coat Tales

  Ah watched a feller yesterday,

  Whose head were facin’ t’other way,

  And then Ah noticed so were t’feet.

  Ah thought to ‘sen, ‘this can’t be reet’,

  ‘cos he were walkin’ backward, too.

  Ah wasna sure what Ah should do,

  But then he coughed and winked an eye,

  And said, ‘Aye oop’, as he went by.

  And Ah could see t’were stupid stunt,

  He’d just put coat on back to front.

  (July 2009)

  Navel Watch

  I met that chap again today,

  Y’know, …

  … the one wit’ t’coat on t’other way,

  But this time he weren’t wearing mac.

  ‘e ‘ad ‘is ‘ands behind his back.

  Ah knew t’ould be another jape,

  Cos ‘e were grinning like an ape,

  And Ah could see that t’stupid clut,

  Had something strapped around his gut.

  T’were an alarm clock, tied with string,

  And as Ah passed ‘e made it ring.

  Ah just ignored t’daft bugger’s chimes.

  T’were just another waist of time.

  (Aug 2010)

  Smoking is Bad for Your Health

  Dragons mostly have bad breath,

  And scare young maidens half to death.

  They tend to live a lonely life,

  And yearn for girlfriends, or a wife,

  But it’s hard to chat up dames,

  When your nostrils throw out flames,

  And any girl that gets too close,

  Is likely to end up as toast.

  So, here’s advice you really oughta,

  Pass on to your wayward daughter,

  If you think there’s any chance,

  She’ll ask a dragon for a dance.

  Make sure she keeps some water by her,

  Lest her beau starts spouting fire.

  And give him a damned good soaking,

  If he asks, “D’you mind me smoking?”

  (While this may not cure his breath,

  At least she won’t get fried to death.)

  (July 2010)

  Vive la Difference

  If you are easily confused,

  Here’s a trick I’ve often used,

  To separate with confidence,

  French monsieurs from English gents.

  You see,

  … Englishmen are tall and grey,

  And walk in a distinguished way.

  In pinstriped suits and bowler hats,

  Mostly they’re aristocrats.

  Whereas,

  … Frenchmen on the other hand,

  Mainly hang around and stand,

  On corners with their rusty bikes,

  Festooned with onions and the like.

  So,

  … if you spot someone who’s dressed,

  In black beret and stripey vest,

  Walk boldly right up to the fellow,

  Shouting ‘Bonjour’, and not ‘Hello’.

  But,

  … while this plan will mainly work,

  There is class of cheating berks,

  Who wear striped jumpers as disguise,

  With black masks covering both eyes.

  Yet,

  … these crooks, for that is what they are,

  Can be distinguished from afar,

  Because they mainly carry bags,

  Adorned with logos saying, ‘swag’.

  However,

  … if you’re still in any doubt,

  There’s one last thing you can check out,

  Striped vest, peg leg, eye patch, irate,

  He ain’t a frenchman. He’s a pirate.

  (July 2011)

  Rhinocerus*

  Rhinoceri (for that is what

  You call them when there are a lot),

  Are mostly armour plated torso,

  (like a lobster, only more so).

  Mainly they are grey and wide,

  With stumpy legs on either side,

  But though the rear is fairly blunt,

  They are much sharper at the front,

  And, there's nothing they like better than,

  To use their heads as battering rams,

  And stick that front end pointy bit,

  Exactly where you don't want it.

  So it's best not to provoke 'em,

  Irritate, annoy or poke 'em,

  Unless you have an armoured arse,

  Since they can run extremely fast.

  (January 2012)